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Have a Very Merry Missoula White Trash Christmas (solennial)

We all have our annual Christmas family traditions, but this year, maybe you want to spice things up a bit. You may have attended a “white trash party” or a “hillbilly barbeque” in the past, but have you ever celebrated a white trash Christmas? Your family will love creating this silly holiday gathering, and it might replace your old Christmas traditions. How do I accomplish a white trash Christmas, you ask?

 The Tree

A true hillbilly family doesn’t decorate their tree with silver balls and fluffy reindeer ornaments. They cover the tree with crushed beer cans, empty cigarette boxes and cans of chew. You can place them on the tree by giving each ornament its own fishing hook.

 The Food

A white trash holiday doesn’t involve the serving of a store-bought turkey. The classy hillbilly may even kill their own turkey for Christmas, but for the most part, they may only cook up what road kill they can discover on Highway 93. So, instead of a delicious, stuffed turkey, your family may have to settle with a holiday raccoon or a Christmas skunk, or – if you are really lucky – some kind of mashed together varmint meat hybrid.

 The Drama

If you get a whole bunch of drunken white trash men together, you are going to end up with a brawl – most likely in the front yard. Luckily, Mel Gibson and Gary Busey have the answer. On Christmas morning, spray the front yard down so it gets all muddy and let the males beat the holy crap out of each other. The last man standing gets to carve the Christmas possum.

The Clothing

Plaid flannel cut-off shirts and light-wash jeans. ‘Nuff said.

Festive Teeth

The secret to the cheeriest holiday is color coordination. Christmas comes in two colors – red and green. You could wear red and green clothing, like some sophisticated suburban fruitcake, or you can go all out and do something really special. Creating holiday teeth is fun and easy. Start preparing around mid-November. For the red effect, drink nothing but chewing tobacco and don’t forget to swish it around real good before swallowing. For the green effect, eat grass. Lots of grass. The family will love your new festive smile!

Switch up the Beverages

Christmas only comes once a year, so for the special occasion, switch your beverage of choice (beer), to wine coolers. Wine coolers will give your hillbilly family a taste of refinement. Plus, because they taste like fruit, you can save cash on fresh fruit to eat with your Christmas raccoon.


The holidays are a time to come together and celebrate our diversity. We shouldn’t let labels and social status get in the way of a harmonious Christmas. Follow these tips to enjoy a white trash holiday and don’t forget the yard gnome and pink flamingo nativity scene!





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