How To Chug A Beer!

I have never been able to properly chug a beer. Call it a genetic issue or just sucking at life. I have never been able to get a beer down in less than 45 seconds. I can barely chug a glass of water fast. What is my problem? With the new season of the tap tour currently under way, lets get schooled in the art of chugging brew.

Step 1) Buy Beer
Duh! You of course have to be of legal age and have money. If you are planning on just slamming it, I recommend quantity not quality. Those "Beer 30" cases are as cheap as a Thai hooker.

Step 2) Practice
It never hurts to slam some H2O before drinking. Dehydration leads to some serious hangovers. Practice on a glass of water. Its like stretching before a race.

Step 3) Let the beer warm up a little
You dont want to chug an ice cold beer. OUCH! Serious brain freeze. Let it warm up a little. But keep in mind that this is not Mexico. Don't let it get too warm. It will cause the beer to foam.

Step 4) Bubbles mean burps
Pour the beer and let the carbonation die down a little while you are letting the beer warm. Too much carbonation could create the same reaction you got when you mixed vinegar with baking soda during your grade school science class.

Step 5) Pull the pin
Knock the bottom of the glass on the bar before drinking. It releases more carbonation.

Step 6) Assume the position
I quote "Super Troopers" on this one- "You gotta relax your jaw. (don't forget to cup the balls). your never gonna win with those thin bird lips you got there". Open your throat, take a half breath right before drinking, and then swing the glass or can quickly so the beer rushes to the back of your throat. Swallow right before the beer actually hits your throat. Then let gravity take over; the beer should pour down your throat. Try to keep your tongue low and out of the way.

For Example:

And if you are having a hard time opening your beer. Try this technique: