Valentine's Day is Tuesday, and considering that you gave your girlfriend/wife/favorite stripper/favorite Hooters girl/booty call/ pretend girlfriend a plain gift bag full of dollar store items for Christmas, you better rock it in the gift department this time. In the name of research, and as a personal favor to YOU, I visited three "adult" shops here in Missoula to investigate what's fun and new in the wide world of sex toys. Ladies this works both ways, there's definitely some stuff here with which you could surprise the dude in your life. And by "surprise" I mean "sneak up on while he's sleeping" tee hee.

  • 1

    Heart Dildo

    It's just a regular size (7 x 1 inch) glass dildo, but it has a special V-Day theme. There's no way your chick already has this one. The hearts are supposed to be stimulating. Not the most exciting item out there, but it's affordable and something she'll actually use.

  • 2

    Anal Beads

    Anybody who tells you they don't enjoy anal beads is lying. Everybody likes anal beads. It's like ice cream, a common world wide treat that nobody can turn down. This particular set is fun for V-Day because it comes with a remote, so just when you forget they're in there, SURPRISE!

  • 3

    "Head Gear BJ Strap"

    I put that in quotes because that's what it's really called. My web editor says I'm not allowed to post the photo I have of it being used, so I'll just describe it to you. It's basically a wide elastic strap with handles to keep your woman's noggin where it needs to be, even if she thinks she's done down there. When she opens this special gift and figures out what it's for, she'll likely exclaim "You @$hole!" to which you can reply, "but honey it's FAUX LEATHER!".

  • 4

    Nipple Clamps

    There are a bunch of different kinds of nipple clamps...tassels, chains, suckers, rings, plastic, rubber, vibrating... a lot to choose from. I thought these metal clamps were cool for a couple of reasons. They're classy looking, or as classy as it gets when it comes to nipple stimulation. Something nice your chick can leave on the dresser. Also, they can be worn, imagine tearing off your woman's shirt and finding these babies on her set. And they're made of metal, nice and cold when you put 'em on.

  • 5

    Love Doll

    And if you don't have a date at all, that's nothing a love doll can't fix. The perfect lady comes in a box that boasts "3 colossal love holes." Mix that with a copy of "Assterpiece Theater 2" and you should be good to go.