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Why Your Wife/GF Will Not Let You Get A Sword

Dudes are attracted to, and distracted by bright, shiny objects, especially stabby ones.  If you haven’t already (but I bet you have), at some point in your life you will get the desire to own a sword. And that is precisely why you will continue to play with the swords every single time you stop at the $50,000 Bar to take a leak, even though you’ll never be allowed to actually buy one.

Here are just a few examples why:

They’re Irresistible — Almost all swords are for display only. But when a sword is on the wall or in the closet, most guys can’t resist grabbing it and twirling it around. Sure, watching an untrained man twirling around a razor sharp sword is funny and entertaining for the rest of us, especially the part where you get hurt, but probably not so funny for you.

You’re Too Old For Make-Believe — I mean I don’t think so, in fact I think you’d look hot in a cape.  But it’s likely that people who genuinely care about you know that if you own a sword, you’ll be tempted to join a group of other sword-owners, and start role-playing. It doesn’t matter if it’s medieval knights or the Three Musketeers. The minute you start doing this, there will be no hope of getting a chick into your bed ever again.

You’ll Freak Out the Neighbors — Your neighbors WILL call the cops on you when you slice off your snowman’s head with your sword. They just won’t understand. Ever.

It’s a Gateway Weapon — Getting a sword sounds innocent enough. But your girlfriend damn well knows it will inevitably lead to you getting a battleaxe, tactical knives and nunchucks. Before long, you’re living in a bunker in Lincoln, writing manifestos.

God I love nunchucks.

So while it might seem like the best idea in the world when you’re drunk and watching a kung fu ninja flick on cable, your wife is wise to protect you from giving in to the temptation to buy a rad sword.

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