Boise Is Being Terrorized By Wild Turkeys

Boise, Idaho, is facing a serious urban threat right now. And no, it’s not a crime or traffic or some dude with a man bun selling crystals at the farmers market.

It’s wild turkeys.

Seems Boise has so many turkeys living in residential neighborhoods that the Idaho Statesman actually published tips on things you can do about aggressive birds inside city limits. As if we’re living in a time when people are getting killed by an animal whose head looks like a deflated balloon.

And given that I'm a Montana turkey hunter, I have one answer.

That’s adorable.

Montana Has Led This Life for Years

In Missoula, deer bum around town as if they are royalty. They cross Reserve Street like they have a crosswalk permit and a personal injury attorney on speed dial.

Helena is the same way. And those deer are pretty much full-time residents. You'd better clean up all the poop before you start receiving HOA complaints.

But Bitterroot Valley? That’s where the turkeys are truly in charge. They appear in backyards like a biker gang. They stomp around, they stare you down, and then they crap what appears to be cat turds all over the place.

And now Boise is having that hard lesson driven home. Wild turkeys are not cute. They are pissed-off pterodactyls.

What Boiseans Need to Know

The Idaho advice is basically what any turkey hunter already understands.

Do not feed them. Do not corner them. Do not challenge them.

And don’t look shocked when a 20-pound animal with an attitude problem puffs up at you and chases after you on the sidewalk. Because that’s what turkeys do. They wake up each day looking for a fight.

Boise, You’re Not Under Attack. You’re Being Judged.

And the best part is that Boise residents probably assumed turkeys would make as much sense as pigeons. Nope. A turkey has no interest in your French fries. A turkey is looking for payback for what you did to his Mom on Thanksgiving.

So good luck, Boise. Montana’s rooting for you. From a safe distance. Preferably from a camo blind.